No need to Waffle or hyperbole, that's for women and other blogs, instead here is a list of Saturday's events and conclusions:
1pm: Ride out to the trails, suns out, shit hot.
2pm: Arrive at trails, Booky and Fids are already there, Fids has been since 10am and Booky is always there, peado jokes aside, can't believe how much time and work Booky (and Ross) manage to put in.
2pm-5:30pm: Dig the worst landing in my whole life, shit area of the woods, shit soil, damp as hell still, secretly wish I was riding street. Come to senses.
6pm: Ride home, stop at Clapham for a tin of Red Stripe, watch the sun go down, very bromantic, think the Beak tries to touch my hand, not having any of that.
8pm: Home, shower and buy no drink.
10pm: Head out to the Pangea project for the Analizard's 40th (happy birthday SC).
10:30-3am: Try and drink a six pack of personality, fail.
5am: Don't let The Beak and Pete come and crash as I am asleep.
This blog has returned to it's slim picking roots, bunch of slackers. Might try and shoehorn in some more updates soon, but with the current waffer winter weather depressing everyone into staying in, or into the pub, bike related updates might be as common as hen's teeth. Chris has pledged to finish that Barcelona 8mm trailer by next week though, remember that?
Anyroad, here is a random link I found (yeah, it was lost... Dad joke central), to a tumblr blog of amusing results that appear in Google's predictive search feature. Fuckyeahgooglesearch! It amused me for a while, but then again it doesn't take much.
The first annual "Bezzie Wednesday Xmas Party" was a civilised affair, suprisingly, unfortunately - I was expecting a full on rager, nevermind. Basically nobody turned up so it was more of a Barcelona crew re-union. Plus team Crackney, plus Andy J, plus Pete, who left early due to being incapable of controlling his "Wade" pace of drinking, concluded by full expenditure of his pocket money after about an hour.
We met some delightful people in our second stop of the night (Lock Tavern). Some guy who looked a lot like Dave, of the Hairy Bikers, but slightly more cyber goth, with definately the worst hair ever. Plus some odd girls who where staring over at us giggling like school kids. This was either due to the ever popular "you guys all have the same shirts on" line, or the fact that they probably thought we were all hot shit. I'll go with the latter. Chris "Roy Walker" Gordon went with "their eye's aren't painted on" and "they ain't made of wood". Adam said they didn't look enough like boys. Go on the Poof!
In retrospect, I would imagine that the whole event would have been more popular if it wasn't raining, allowing people to ride as well as booze. I'm under the impression that most people are more into the riding part of Wednesday, rather than the "hanging out, drinking, with a bunch of miserable salty nob heads" part. Yeah? Anyroad, have some snaps.
I get annoyed by many things, queuing, people faffing, people who can't read maps, stuff that doesn't line up, 5 door cars, most of BMX... The list goes on. One of my favourite annoyances (is that possible?) are the painted bike lane symbols that adorn our roadways and cycle paths, specifically those that look absolutely nothing at all like a bike. Personally, I feel that if your gonna forge a career path that is solely based around drawing bikes on the road, (yes, that is all they do, I'm pretty sure), at least take some time to learn the basic form of a bicycle.
Anyway, this dude obviously gets annoyed with blundered bike path logos too, or maybe he appreciates them, in some backward masochistic artsy fashion. Never the less, they've created a flickr group full of examples. Some interesting frame designs going on here, maybe JAD will take inspiration from these and make a comeback. We can only hope.
I got an email from team 2000 member Donny a day or so back, he is on his pan Asian solo bike trek right now, pedaling away that mid life crisis and just "hitting the open road (maaaaan)".
Here is a copy and paste special,also to note while I have been writing this the song that Donny and I decided pretty much explains how to live your life came on my iTunes DJ playlist, followed by "NOFX- Build me up buttercup". Too fitting.
I'll have a beer for you this weekend Donny, come back soon.
The Email:
"Hey dude, here's something for your blog. I know full pipes aren't exactly in vogue anymore but here's some 20 footers i spotted half way up a mountain pass in the Himalayas... took my panniers off and got over vert on my tourer!"
Oh great, more tourist photo's from that bunch of nobodies Barcelona beach holiday. Yep. This time from Ross' disposable camera. These are actually lo-fi, rather than our usual game of "lets make these photos look dead grainy and lo-fi in PS 'cos they are actually just crap iPhone shots".
Weather's looking alright for tomorrow nights Wed Club. Chris is talking about making a night of it (boozewise) after riding, mainly because he has the next day off work. Who's in?
The second largest city in Spain with a population of 1.6milion.
It is the 11th-most populous municipality in the European Union and sixth-most populous urban area in the European Union after Paris, London, Rhine-Ruhr Area, Madrid and Milan with the population 4,185,000.
The modern name of Barcelona can be directly transcribed from ancient Catalan. “Barce” short for “Barcestados” was a common phrase to describe an annoying cowardly thief. “Lona” literally translates as “wayward hippy”. Even though the developed world has long since forgotten the trend you can still see the ancient art of white-man dreadlocks post millennium in this historic city. The recession doesn't seem to have made a dent on this place either as traditional family businesses like bag snatching and other sketchy petty crime is a booming industry with global effect.
The trip kicked off on a salubrious 7am Terravision coach (living up to its namesake on our return) from central London to Stansted. Bezzy Dad™ breakfasts accompanied with Lads-on-tour Weatherspoon Pints (yeah I had a coffee, big whoops, I'm still a man). No airport hitches or lateness put an excellent mood to the start of our trip.
We arrived at our apartment in Barceloneta, a tramps nipple from the city beach. Now I've seen some small places in my time. I've been to Singapore and stayed in the most cramped hotel room I've ever seen. Lets not forget, being a northerner, I generally have pretty low expectations on life. But this place was small even by Chris Gordon standards, who incidentally joined the trip, along with The Poof, Rupert and The Beak.
Oh yeah riding, shit hot. This was my first time in the city, I'd seen the endless street spots on Facetube etc, even checked the places out on Bezzy Dad Google Earth™, but it was still quite amazing to see first hand what can be achieved architecturally with a bit of frikin balls. It seriously shits on most cities I've ever visited, while still managing to retain its historical charm ...even though it's full of thieving gypo's and punters. Needless to say we came, we saw, we shut down, stepped up, there were so many hammers dropped it was like a bomb had gone off in B&Q. Information to exactly what went down is a little hazy, errr footage may have been stolen by the 'Deadline Crew' but I can proper draw you pictures of what we may have done, deffo. If you see any of Ty Morrows Stuff just imagine it was us, done.
Skaters, funny bunch aren't they? Usually perfectly alright, although they do always think they're a bit good, but then you would in comparison to BMX (eeeeeps). Then you get the Dicks, El Cock Grande. We met one chump who decided we were steppin' on his turf or summit. He didn't get Brief Case Wankers' jokes ...then again who does. Offering to stab someone for a bad joke, while his 50 mates give us beat downs 'Warrior' style is pushing it a tad I'd say.
Rupert did a Rob, then got robbed 3hours before our flight. Passport and cameras taken (with loads of sick footy on 'em honest) by an annoyingly sly manoeuvre while waiting for the bus. Thieving slimy gypo's! Seriously though its like an accepted career out there, it can't be that hard to frikin get rid of them. That's the only downside of that place and its completely rife.
Ross took two weeks to write the above, and it still wasn't finished. So this is Ben speaking now. To summarise, the holiday was 'shithot' the weather, the beach, the beer and the pizza were 'shithotter' but Chris' lame attempts to (unsuccessfully) pair the rest of us of with Michael Jackson's younger, fatter, whiter, uglier Welsh cousin, were definately not 'shithot'. The poof seemed keen though, in between aggro cartwheels.
The pictures above might paint a better picture of how great a time we had, and if you need some help deciphering this gobbledygook (racist) then check out the lingo dictionary in the post below.
As with most trips the combination of over excitement and testosterone (less so from the poof) mixed with bikes and alcohol tends to lead to a special holiday-based dialect being made up with names and phrases evolving thoughout the time away. Here is a list of the nonsensical drivel we began to spout after a few beers and days in the sun.
Punter: Someone who is a tourist of life, no real individual character traits or unique interests, a good example of which is anyone who lives outside the M25. aka. a Basic.
Bezzie Dad Cam: A top of the line consumer model camera as owned by a dad, a stock example of a bezzie dad cam would be a D30 Digital SLR.
Punter Cam: A less impressive version of a Bezzie Dad Cam. Mid to low range digi point and shoot camera, usually from a well known jack of all trade company rather than a dedicated camera one.
The Poof: Adam's new nickname, hard to argue against it when you get heckled by transvestites on Las Ramblas. When a women with a cock questions your sexuality, its prob time to address the issue.
Poofy crap eyes: The poof in the morning.
Rupert: Robs alter ego, no not a wacky one with a catch phrase and daft fancy dress like a fresher in their first semester or some never was on RoadFools, but one that on a "Brits abroad lads booze and bikes wheay tour" bins off his mates on day one for a week long relationship.
Bezzie Trip Dad: Whoever owns the map is Bezzie Trip Dad. Ben and Ross were pretty much having a Bezzie Trip Dad off, all holiday. Bezzie Trip Dads also know a lot about everything, so Bezzie Trip Dad fact offs are also proving grounds for the title, even if you have to make things up, like a "Hyrdonosphone", like i did.
Captain Solo: See "rupert"
To Ross: Like an inverted bezzie trip dad, taking two weeks to fail to write a blog.
Easty: Ross Tepereks tripname. He's from Ukraine or something, not Leeds. I think Simon let him in.
Briefcase Wanker: Trip nickname for Chris. Pilfered from a now infamous line shouted at Will on the Inbetweeners. Chris is basically Will. Brilliant.
Giggsy: The full phrase will have to remain on the couch at Spooks where it originated, but even the short version works. "Giggsy" can be shouted to show appreciation of any affirmative physical action, be it putting a can in a bin, catching a frisbee, or, in its most appropriate use - kicking something. A true homage to the Brit abroad and lad culture, best washed down with a pint of Stella or Carling. For those not fully clued up with Punter "culture" Giggsy is the name of some lad who knocked a football about for the Great Britain team or something.
Two events from happened over the weekend, one bike related and one not.
First off was the "premier" of the bookends Epsom summer 09 video at
Bubbas
flat in leafy old Surrey. You have prob seen the pic of eveyone with Bubba masks on facebook, so no need for that here. The video itself was pretty rad, especially the bits with me in, especially the bits with me in slow mo and def especially the bits of me in reinacting 1999, inc back wheel landings. Bezzie tricks.
Oh, the Head and Booky had ok sections, I guess Slattery, Mulville and the Fortes were above par too... unlike the Heads attempts to ride a fixie on our way to town...
Second event was one of the best parties I have been to in a long time, even better than the shit ones Simon takes us to in squats, an
80's cocktail party.
Spaz Tom and his house mates Ian and Elana put on a full on 80's cocktail party inc Bar, Cocktail menu, canopes and the film Cocktail on loop.
90% of people made the effort and dressed to suit, a few folks didnt which is pretty embarrassing, shame on you. Tom looked just like
Pat Sharp
and Ian must of Waltzed straight off the set of
Miami Vice.
The poof also kept up his gay run by going to sleep halfway though the night in a chair and my taxi drive didnt realize the 2 inch thick wedge of £20 notes was infact one photocopied note and a pile of cut up newspapers looking like he was going to mug me as I stepped out of the cab, good times....
Thanks to Ian, Elana and Spaz for a jolly fine knee's up...
Jeezus... I was going to start with an apology for the lateness of this but then I realised all our blogs are pretty late so its no news...
Saturday was wednesday dodger and all round excuse maker Dayno's (second) leaving do, and another good one was had.
A whole bar to ourselves and food on tap, Epsom rustled up their passports and got them stamped for their bi annual night out in the big smoke, all except the Bookend who missed out on meeting the girl who broke his heart, along with half a dozen other London bmxers...
After a few drinks Rosshead dug out "the list" and began to rattle them off, I think an extra name was added for each drink he had which was quite entertaining, I believe he ended the night with a new phone number from someone who wasn't even at the joint, maybe Ross' best trick of the summer?
We all left Dayno's with a skin full of alcohol and Dayno left us with a new phrase for bailing on a pre arranged event- "To do a Dayno".
Til next time big man....
I wasn't going to write a blog this eve seeing as I am on deadline at work and am at a screen about 50 hours a day, but after putting my country playlist on spotify while I did some online banking and drinking a tin of tyskie I became notably more pumped so thought a few more mins.
We all know Union owns the weather, so I wont dwell on that here, but fuck me its dire atm. That coupled with Bens bare face lies ("yeah, it's raining here, not shit hot") lead to a pretty piss poor turn out. I think Ben needs to be a bit careful with his porky pies or he is going to end up looking like Pinoccio, oh, oh hold on.
There are a few snaps and tales from the night, pub session featuring Beddows and winding up Simon included, but I cant be bothered with them right now. Instead i'm going to point you in the direction of John Henrys wiki page
wiki page.
Mathew Sabatella did a fantastic song about him called .
This Old Hammer
A good example of a man from a time when men were men and not the slack jawed metro sexual faggots they are these days, although his victory was quite a Pyrric Victory, heres the
wiki link
for all you spastics who have no concept of ancient history, whatever next? don't tell me you have never been taught latin? oh dear god...
Today, like most days, I received one of those all of the office is cc'd in emails from someone. You know the sort that has a link to something funny, impressive, arty. Most of the time I ignore them because they usually contain stuff like that keyboard cat rubbish (which chris seems to like), Ken Block driving round in circles or that trails/hopscotch bike video section that someone has sent because they think I will be impressed with it - "You ride bikes dont you? Can you do that? Or that? What about that?".
Anyway, this turned up in my inbox today, it's a collection of images that initially had an incorrect level of ethnic diversity, so they have been fixed, badly, in photoshop. It's political correctness gone mad, i tells ya! Then if you liked that you should take a internet waddle (I'm assuming your fat) to this site as well, as it's vaguely related.
My girlfriend has been involved in creating an online campaign for the ethical underwear brand Pants to Poverty. She assures me that it is not just a load of hippy shit, (like Simon) it's actually a really good company that stands for a valid cause, so have a look.
Alright you lot, Bicycle Bingo Round 2 is coming up!! July the 11th
at the Elevator Gallery in Hackney Wick. It's going to be even bigger
and better than last time round so make sure you don't miss it... If
you weren't at the last one check the video out on our website. (Or some snaps from the last one on here). Click on the thumbnail above to check out the flyer.
All proceeds go to Mercy Corps and CNCF, hopefully we'll hit our target with this one! And we got plenty of space too so bring your buddies...
Bingo aside, it would also just be great to see you all before I (Donny) head off as i may be away for while!
Apples weather widget is notoriously awful at predicting the weather for some bizarre reason. For instance, today apparently it's 95 degrees. Well it was before I geeked out and found this hack. Follow these steps (3rd post down) and you might be able to get a more accurate report.
Or if that makes no sense and you live in London, just copy and paste this - EUR;UK;UK124;LONDON - into the location on the back of the widget. Done.
I'm guilty of kicking up a fuss when certain individuals post non-bmx related Wednesday Blogs; nevertheless I'm posting one myself. I've been getting pretty into hypocrisy lately! This is, however, a bike related post.
This Wednesday (see, this is relevant), Julian Sayarer is setting off on an attempted world-record circumnavigation by bicycle. That's just over 18,000 miles in less than 180 days; broken down that's over 100 miles a day, everyday! Sounds tough eh? Well luckily Julian's a bit of a badass.
This record was set last year by a Scottish guy who rides for a bank and a phone company. I feel I should live up to my reputation and have some sort of rant about how "this is not in the spirit of adventure" and that "this will make the world shit" etc. etc. but luckily Julian's already done that, and he's much more eloquent than I. Go to his Merlin Mason designed website at www.thisisnotforcharity.com and have a read of his manifesto, it's quite amusing.
In bmx related news, I'm in Brighton with Julian at the mo, about to get the ferry over to Dieppe (not bmx related), and it seems that they've re done The Level skate park, which looks pretty fun now. Bad news though, looks like infamous U-Pipe under the bridge (the big brick thing) has been blocked off. Bloody council.
Wednesday Club members Team 2001 (AKA Dom and Donny, AKA
Team Radio Silence) are taking part in
a rally . Over 10,000 miles. To Mongolia. In a car that must have, ideally, a 1L engine or less.
To ensure that it’s a little more than just a stress-free holiday through some of the more glamorous parts of Europe and Asia the rules also stipulate raising some money for charity. To that end they supplanted a usual Saturday night’s entertainment in Hackney (guncriming each other) with a usual Saturday night’s entertainment in Blackpool (bingo).
Wednesday Club made a good showing, and while Johann and George singularly failed to dress with any variety, the range of prizes on offer made up for it. It became apparent that bringing a female assistant was a winning strategy, effectively doubling the chances of victory over the numbers. Though I was close enough to the juice maker to taste pulp. Just one number away...
The star of the show for most (excluding Pete and Simon, who were getting especially fervent over certain girls) was the home made, bicycle-powered, bingo machine. Whatever the cause of the entertainment it’s fair to say a fine evening was had by all. Now heads down, same both ways, it’s 69!
Team 2000 didn't make it to Wednesday club, we were down the Ace Cafe instead for The Executioners Spring Riot. As usual it was packed full of cool old hot rods, customs and drag cars. We got there to catch the last bit of sun and sit up on the grass with some tins watching the cars rumble in.
This place gets loose. You get to stroll around and check out the cars, listen to the bands and eat some good old food. Then when it gets dark people start to line the road out front and it gets messy. Huge rolling burnouts, passes by street legal drag cars, passes by full blown drag cars, and even some skinhead in a knackered old Sierra doing doughnuts round the roundabout not realising the cops were two cars behind. Lots of over excited guys and people scattering everywhere while cars pass at stupid speeds through a crowd, all the time with tyre smoke thick in the air.
Other highlights were the Jumpin' Jalapano gasser, faired Triumph racer, the gumby's and a guy doing a huge burnout 'till his tyres blew, the whole time with his kid sat in the passenger seat.
Dom put a short video together for our rally blog, if you want to take a look it's here
I have been meaning to write this for a little while now as it may be the best thing to happen this decade, no forget that, the best thing to happen in my entire fucking life - Monster Munch have reverted back to both their original packaging and their original size.
This is even better than proving your maths teacher wrong and making five go into one down a dark alley after a night at a rock club, this is the proof that all those damn chocolate bars and packets of sweets have been getting smaller, its not just that you are getting bigger.
This is all the lies you were told put right in one pack of truth.
This is 40 whole grams of pure joy, sticking them on your finger (they now only just fit on my little one) and giving a big fuck you to the world, for all the snacks we have slowly been cheated out of, the shrinking fingers of fudge and the increasing curly wirly prices. These take you back to a time when things made sense and actually fucking mattered, when your 9 to 5 was middle school and so long as parent evening went fine and you had a pockets full of ten p's and penny sweets then shit was all good.
And on the back there is a picture of the monster and someone is asking the question "where have you been all this time?" and the purple monster is standing there looking all pleased with himself and is like "living the dream" and you are all like, "yeah man, yeah! L-I-V-I-N"
I didn't wanna turn this blog into something negative, but f*ck it, that's what the internet is for, right?
This Epic fork snap is hilarious. Well, okay, it's not, but it is slightly amusing watching people fall on their face and it's even better watching someone using an unsuitable tool for the job and it coming back to bite you in the arse (face). Oh, and "massive face plant"? No it wasn't you soft sod, you fell from 2 feet up.
Right, I'm off to Scandanavia to compete in the latest round of that wierd offroad cliff driving they do, in my mums Mini. Followed by a quick run round Regents Park in my girlfriends stilettos. See you in hospital.
"You manage to find the place okay then Alan?"
"Yeah, it was piss easy."
Modern Toss is ace. It started out as a series of comics, some of which were later compiled into proper books and finally culminating in the production of 2 series' of televisual crudeness. The drawings are shit, the animation is sketchy, the subject matter's mundane and the language is extremely offensive - perfect.
There are over twenty different, re-occuring sketches and characters, but two that have become the most loved, amongst Modern Toss' cult following are; 'Mr Tourette' - a french signwriter who produces signs bearing no relation to his customers instructions.' And 'Alan' - a black scribble who plays practical jokes on his middle class brother-in-law, usually to the tune of classic 90's track 'I like to Move It' by Real to Real (in the TV show at least).
Personally I prefer the books to the TV show, and I would strongly advise you try and pick up a copy of one of them. Unless you are American, or a fan of Friends, in which case you probably won't get it.
Here are a few links to some of my favoured sketches for you to take a peep at. You can also check out the Modern Toss website while your at it.
If you are looking for a wife you should pretty much get straight on this, Crazy Pete sent me the link to this a little while a go, I'm not 100% sure what the hell it's all about really, I think there is a bit of a myspace/facebook kinda side to it too but I have never really looked into that.
It's basically a bunch of girls who are pretending to be an american apparel advert and a few token poofs but thats pretty much the ideal guest list at a house party.
The formula was devised about 4 years ago when i lived in Norwich with Merlin Gary Mason. It goes like this- round up at least 8 people, get everyone to chip in a fiver, then go take the kitty to the local supermarket and buy in bulk, get a few girls in the equation as they tend to eat a bit less and rarely drink the beers plus they are perfect for showing off in front of and you have a damn good night set up for you. It's best avoiding putting any meat in because, 1, meat is for gays, and 2, it costs as much as the rest of the curry combined.
If you need to convince a northern monkey he doesn't need meat in his food to make it food just lay it out real simple for him-
"It's either a bit of meat hidden somewhere in the curry or 40 beers" and he will be like, "ohhhhh... beeeeeers like. shithot".
No it is not so piss off. Wednesday is a group of like minded caunts who all ride on a wednesday night at Cantelowes bowl, in Londons famous London.
The wed club also involves the consumption of a beer or two during or after riding - hence being more into this that we would if it only involved the bike part of the equation.
